The older I become the more I respect anyone who is doing their own thing, wearing what they like, basically doing whatever the fuck they like without needing the permission of others. Mostly it is people who are either older, queer or artistic or has a high level of intelligence. People who actually don’t care about anyone else’s opinion.
I grew up in a very judgemental household. Comments on people’s weight was a common topic, often about fat people who drank diet drinks, which is interesting since I am now overweight and love Diet Coke. I look back on the meanness in the family home and see how much I was conditioned to believe that my opinion on other people’s choices mattered.
I read once that someone said your first thought when you judge someone one is your conditioning but when you self correct and catch yourself judging, that is your character.
Character work is hard. Actually all self-work is hard stuff. Having a daughter who does her thing and lives by her own aesthetic is a great teacher. Also not being around judgemental people helps change the patterns.
It is hard to know where the judgement comes from. Is it insecurity? Is it having a “set of rules” that others have to live by so you can feel comfortable? Is it arrogance?
I have no idea where the centre of the issue is but I do know that I have worked hard to catch myself over the past years and Lordy, was I a judgy bitch!? The internal commentary was fucking vicious about things and people and outfits and so on but mostly it was vicious about me.
Maybe that’s what it is about. Me. The projection onto others because I didn’t like myself. I like myself more now, enough to stop when I am being mean to me, and in being kinder to myself, I am kind to others.
I want people to live their best life, to not fall into the trap of judging others because they don’t want to do the work on themselves. Catch yourself when you do it and examine why you think that someone should not wear something or lose weight or not have a certain haircut, car, job, nail polish. Catch it when you think it and examine the thought.
It is not your life. It is not your experience. It is none of your business unless they make it so. Step back. Explore your thoughts and let go of the judgement. Life is soooooooo much nicer when you do because there is beauty everywhere. There is beauty in the choices of others. There is bravery and poetry in a carefully curated outfit or makeup choice. This is someone’s way of expressing themselves so why are you shitting on it? Maybe because you’re having issues with your own self-expression? OUCH!
Oh yes, it is all reflected in ourselves. We hold the mirror up to ourselves when we judge others. To undo that work can take a long time but the more honest you are with yourself and where this conditioning came from, the more you can see where to fix it.
It is worth it, and trust me, you won’t believe how tiring it is to be a judge. I would much rather be a witness.
Best,
Kate